Carefree, why can we not be?
by lilabut
Summary: Jacob - still the boy who made mud pies on the beach - and Bella - never able to let go of the mature woman she had been since childhood - loved their children more than anything else, a million times more than they could even love each other.


**C a r e f r e e , w h y. c a n. w e. n o t. b e?**

Carefree  
Sing another song  
Turn the night light on  
Watch me fall asleep  
_  
__Carefree_, The Perishers

"Fasten your seatbelt, Captain! Home straight ahead!"

Jacob's deep, masculine voice rumbled like thunder through the typical Sunday-afternoon quiet in the deserted streets of La Push, only disturbed by the far-away rush of the ocean and the shrill melody of the wind chime hanging on the porch of the Maguire's down the street, turning the gusts of air into a not-quite-so-beautiful symphony.

Yet the single sound Jacob could hear was the hysterical laughter of his son, clinging to his back like a baby monkey to its mother.  
Noah's short legs were pressed against the top of his father's ribcage and Jacob's hands were clasped firmly but gently around his son's thighs, holding him close to his body.  
Almost like a snake, his son's arms entwined more firmly around his neck, the tiny fingers forming a fist right above Jacob's Adam's apple.

"Okay, Captain. I`m awaiting your orders," Jacob said theatrically, straightening to his full – impressive - height and raising his chin while speaking, his son's laughter directly flowing into his ears.

"Home, Daddy. Mommy and Lee-kaa. I want to sing song to Mommy," his son chattered brightly, wiggling his hips to goad his father into moving.

"Yes, Sir!"

While his son continued laughing, Jacob started a slow jog towards their house, always careful to keep his son close to him.

He dearly hoped that Bella wouldn't be standing on the front porch or behind a window facing the street waiting for them to return. If she saw their son up on Jacob's high shoulders, he would most definitely have to endure a long argument with her.

The only arguments Jacob and Bella had these days were centered around their children. The real fights, the ones that turn even the most mature adult into a stubborn child.

Before, at the time when it had just been the two of them, their arguments had never been too profound, mostly superficial and short-lived. But now, every single day was overshadowed with yet another disagreement. The two of them had to face an issue many parents shared: different opinions when it came to bringing up the children.

Jacob - still the boy who made mud pies on the beach at heart - and Bella - never able to let go of the mature and conscientious woman she had been since childhood - loved their children more than anything else, a million times more than they could even love each other. However, they did not share the same form of expressing that love.  
Jacob let his children be children, let them take risks and discover the world on their own. That inevitably led to scratches, bruises, the occasional cold and sprained ankle – the price to pay for being an adventurer and…free.

But every bruise which came with Jacob's willingness to simply let his children _be_ had caused Bella more pain – he could practically read that in her eyes.

And now, after innumerable fights over the very same topic, Jacob did not dread the unavoidable argument as much as the pain and anxiety that seemed to eat Bella from the inside out. She wanted to protect their children – in a much more drastic way than Jacob would ever attempt. She was the one to constantly rebuke and punish, to pull away and grasp tightly.

His _Bells_ had never been much of a happy-go-lucky person, but Jacob missed the occasional ease and the passion in her brown eyes, characteristics which were now constantly masked by fear, anxiety and worry. Jacob missed his old Bells, the girl he fell in love with so many years ago, the girl he could tell everything. And now, he couldn't even talk to her about herself.

"Hey!" Jacob yelled, surprised as his son's heels suddenly dug between his ribs – on purpose of course – tickling him and interrupting his deep thoughts.  
There were not many people who knew about this weakness of his, but of course his overly excited son had to discover it a week before while watching "Caillou". Bella had stormed into the living room panicked when Jacob had suddenly burst into the agonizing fit of laughter that only tickling can cause. He had yelled at his wife to help him while his son's tiny hands had drilled themselves into his muscled torso – never a real threat, but Jacob could not bring himself to let his son lose this fight – but Bella had just been standing in the doorway, laughing almost as hard as Jacob, the tiny bundle in her arms swinging in time with her heavy breathing.

Jacob smiled at the memory – it had been one rare moment of ease.

"Don´t distract me, Captain, or we might collide with this massive spaceship right ahead of us."

Jacob emphasised his words by heading directly towards their letterbox, colored brightly with hand prints across the white paint – a stark contrast to their family name, traditionally kept in the matching color.

"Daddy, careful!"

Only a few feet before the "collision", Jacob stopped in his tracks, releasing a theatrical _whoosh_ and gently pulled his son's feet out of his danger zone.

"I might need to have a discussion with the commander about this, Sir," he said, mimicking the pout his son mastered so well whenever bedtime arrived.

"Not telling Mommy, Daddy! Oah being nice now!"

A short, warm, rumbling laugh sounded in the street and Jacob carefully pulled his son from his shoulders and clutched him to his chest, giving his worried face a warm smirk.

"No need to worry, buddy. I won't tell. But only if you promise not to tell her about the ice cream? Pinky-promise?"

The little boy nodded enthusiastically, his spiky black hair standing up as if he had just touched the power outlet, and he wrapped his tiny pinky around Jacob's, squeezing as tight as he could.

"That´s my boy," Jacob said proudly before continuing his way through their front yard, almost stumbling over a bright yellow miniature truck, silently cursing all the way inside.

* * *

When the two of them entered the house, Jacob was immediately surprised to find nothing but silence. A quick glance at the clock in the hallway told him that usually at this time the house would be filled with a sound he both loathed and worshipped; the shrieking cries of his daughter, always capable of making his heart clench or his head ache.

There was nothing but silence now.

"Bells?" he called, putting his son back on his own feet, kneeling in front of him.

"No, I do. _I_ do," his son said angrily, swatting Jacob's hand away which had just began to pull down the zipper of his son's coat.

"Noah, we told you a million times before – don't hit anyone, even if it´s not supposed to hurt."

The sudden authority in Jacob's voice was as intimidating as his size and his son immediately ducked his little head, nodding and mumbling something that sounded like _sorry_, before fumbling with the zipper on his own.

Jacob sighed, hating to rebuke his son but knowing all too well that he simply had to do it – that it was a necessary part of being a parent, no matter how much he liked to leave it to Bella.

"Bells?" he repeated then, automatically throwing his wallet onto the dresser by the door, peeking into the kitchen to find it empty.

"Bedroom," his wife's voice echoed through the house and Jacob winced a little at the bitterness in her voice, the lack of warmth in the nonexistent welcome.

Casting a reassuring glance towards his son – the tip of his tongue caught between his tiny teeth in concentration while he fought with his coat - Jacob opened the door to their living room, kicked off his shoes halfway across their fluffy, white rug and entered the separate hallway, the door to the bedroom wide open.

As he entered the room, he already saw the pink-and-white blanket spread in the middle of the bed in the centre of the room, his daughter laying on the blanket, arms outstretched wide with a toothless smile on her slightly flushed face, her tiny fist catching the air around her, fingers contracting and loosening.

"What took you so long?" Bella asked, turning away from the basket of laundry by their closet and facing Jacob, smiling half-heartedly.

"We almost had a collision with the monstrous spaceship just outside the mother ship," Jacob chattered, crossing the room with only two steps and kneeling next to his side of the bed, gently placing his big hand on his daughter's stomach. While his thumb drew small circles there, his free hand was kept busy with running the fingertips through the puffy foam of raven hair.

Bella soon laughed behind him, making Jacob's heart flutter in delight. When she wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned herself against her husband – her height almost matched his as he kneeled down in front of her – Jacob felt that tiny flash of hope that sometimes crept its way into his much too optimistic mind. Bella's fingers gently scraped across the skin of his neck, causing a shiver to run through Jacob's large frame.

"And Noah? Was he kidnapped by those aliens?"

"Nah, he's currently fighting the zipper-monster in our hallway. I barely made it out of there," Jacob joked – deciding to keep the little incident in the hallway to himself because Bella was always much stricter and more inclined to worry than him - and nudged the tip of his daughter's nose with his index finger before turning his head to kiss the bare skin of Bella's arm.

As Jacob put the tip of his finger in his daughter's fist, the force with which she squeezed her tiny fingers around it magnificent, Bella rested her chin on the top of Jacob's head, closing her eyes and sighing.

"You alright, honey?" he asked at the soulful sound, turning his head and consequently forcing Bella to break free from their sort of embrace.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she said with a smile on her tired face. But Jacob knew all too well when his Bells was lying to him.

Gently, he withdrew his finger from his daughter's vice-like grip and stood on his feet again, catching Bella's hands in his own.

"What's going on, Bells?"

"Nothing, I said it already. I'm fine," she repeated with an annoyed edge to her voice, pulling her hands out of Jacob's and turning back towards their closet.

As much as Jacob knew that Bella was lying, he also knew her well enough to know when not to push her. There were times one should really keep quiet, as much as words might seem necessary. Jacob and Bella had always been good at remaining silent, yet understanding each other on every level. Long-lasting, deep and profound conversations had never been an important aspect of their relationship. And there had been many occasions in which Jacob had remained silent just because he knew that forcing a conversation between them would only result in many more problems.

"Okay," he said instead, seeing the deep breath Bella released as her back heaved strongly.

_Hic_

Bella turned back around and Jacob saw her brow furrow at the high-pitched, yet very soft sound, and he turned around again, looking down at the tiny bundle that was his daughter, arms still enthusiastically discovering the tiny world around her.

"What was that?" Bella asked worriedly, rushing over to the bed and kneeling down to examining their daughter's features carefully.

"A hiccup, Bells. What else could it be?" Jacob said, sitting on the side of their bed to watch Bella running her fingers over their daughter's outstretched arms.

_Hic_

"Again," Bella mumbled, leaning closer to their daughter, her own face now only inches away from the baby.

"Yeah, that's kind of the thing about a hiccup, Bells," Jacob laughed carefully, eyeing her crouching over the baby on their bed, ear as close to their daughter's face as possible without scaring her.

_Hic_

"This doesn't sound like a hiccup to me," she remarked, forehead crinkled and elbows pressed into the mattress to support her weight.

_Hic_

"Not at all."

_Hic_

"Jacob, listen. That doesn't sound like the hiccups Noah had."

Hic

"Lee-lee is fine, Bells," Jacob said, one of his hands now outstretched to stroke his daughter's cheek carefully.

"Jake, stop calling her that. No wonder Noah doesn't get her name right. He never hears it from you," Bella started to argue but was soon silenced by yet another high-pitched, throaty sound.

_Hic_

"Jacob, listen. That doesn't sound normal at all. We should call a doctor."

Before Jacob could say a word in protest, Bella was back on her feet and carefully cradled their daughter in her arms, nuzzling her thick hair with the tip of her nose before pressing her gently against her chest  
"Bells, she's just fine. It´s only a hiccup," Jacob said calmly, pushing himself from the all-too-inviting mattress, wrapping his arms around his wife and their daughter in her arms.

_Hic _

"Are you sure?"

"Mm-hmm," Jacob murmured, feeling Bella's face pressed into his side.

"Mommy!" Noah's voice sounded through the house, his bouncing steps announcing his arrival long before his tiny, jumping form came to a halt in the doorway.

_Hic _

"Hey, my big boy. You fought off the zipper-monster?" Bella asked with a slight smirk on her face, wiggling out of Jacob's embrace and walking across the room towards her son, kneeling in front of him, kissing his forehead, all the time keeping the tiny, curious baby safe against her chest.

"Yes!" Noah proudly stated, the grin on his face impossibly like to his father's.

"And the shoe-monster?"

_Hic _

"Yes!

Noah proudly pointed down to his sock-covered feet.

"But Daddy lost," he said, shrugging his shoulders.

_Hic _

"Why is that?" Bella asked, stroking her free palm across her son's head in an attempt to flatten the chaotic strands.

"Daddy's shoes _aaaaall_ over the living room," her son reported, stretching his arms over his head for emphasis.

_Hic_

"Is that so, _sweetheart_?" Bella asked, the venom in her voice hidden beneath the pet name so that their son would not get the hint, and turned her head to glare at Jacob.

"Traitor," he murmured. Noah laughed, carefully tousling his fingers through his sister's hair, causing the tiny bundle to reach out her arms in his direction, getting a strong grip on his fingers.

_Hic _

"She's fine, Bells. Trust me, honey."

"If you say so," she answered, walking out of the bedroom without another word to Jacob, gently rocking the baby in her arms, pressing her as close to herself as possible, craving the warmth and the soft, fragile feeling that she was _needed_.

"Noah, go wash your hands. We'll eat in five minutes."

_Hic _

Nodding eagerly, Noah stormed off through the small hallway and Bella winced a little when she heard the dull_ thud_ of a body colliding with a wooden door.

"You okay?" she called, smiling slightly at the very labored _Yes, Mommy_ before heading towards the kitchen.

_Hic _

_

* * *

_

"He's sleeping like a log," Jacob mumbled as he stepped into the bedroom, carefully closing the door behind him.

Bella nodded quickly at him, her eyes never leaving her daughter's face as she held her up to her breast, the tiny finger which clutched and fisted against her exposed skin so feather light that it was almost tickling.

"She's greedy tonight, huh?" Jacob asked as he pulled off his shirt, watching his wife and daughter sitting on the bed in the dim light of the room.

"Mmh," Bella whispered, the ferocity of her daughter's usually rather gentle and careful suckling keeping her interest entirely focused on the tiny bundle in her arms.

A few minutes passed in silence before Jacob, now only wearing his boxer shorts, carefully sank down on the mattress, his hand resting on the exposed skin of Bella's shin. The subtle gesture caused Bella to lift her head and smile lovingly at her husband before focusing her eyes back towards their daughter.

Carefully, trying hard not to be a distraction, Jacob laid down on his stomach, resting his chin on Bella's knee and watching as his daughter's greedy thirst slowly ebbed and her eyelids began to flutter before her mouth finally stopped its suckling motion.

"Are you taking her to bed?" Bella whispered and Jacob nodded, slowly sitting up again, gently taking his daughter out of Bella's arms.

Bella sighed, the empty, drained feeling in her arms only slightly relieved when Jacob took their daughter from her hold and she fell back into the pile of pillows with a dull ache behind her closed eyes, a throbbing pain that could easily be located in her teeth, as well.

She blindly fluttered her hands across the bed, searching for the hem of the blanket, slipping underneath the welcoming warmth a minute later, not daring to open her eyes. Even the dim light from the bedside lamp was an agonizing disturbance for her head today and so she draped the blanket across her exhausted body, burying the side of her face in her pillow.

She lost any sense of time, but a few minutes later she shivered when a puff of cold air hit her. Jacob lifted the blanket and crawled beneath it, the mattress sinking at his weight and Bella immediately felt the irresistible warmth spreading through her veins as he pushed himself closer to her.

"I think she'll sleep for a while," Jacob whispered into her ear as he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to his burning side, pressing a butterfly kiss on her temple. Their bare legs intertwined, tangling their limbs.

"Mhm," Bella whispered, her hands weakly stroking the smooth skin of Jacob's torso before wrapping her arms around his stomach, holding on to him, seeking the comfort of his embrace.

Jacob's fingertips drew lazy circles on the small of her back and Bella pressed herself closer to her husband, cherishing the warmth she craved so much these days.

"Bells?"

"Mhm…"

"Please, there is something wrong. You have to tell me," he whispered, his nose brushing against the shell of her ear, causing involuntary goose bumps to erupt all over Bella's sensitive neck, and she cursed her body for reacting so strongly to even the simplest touch.

"Jake…," she groaned quietly, the sound muffled by Jacob's chest and the pillow beneath her.

"Bells, I know it´s late and you want to sleep. But I really need to know. Is it me? Did I do something?"

Bella's insides clenched at his words, so full of love and worry and adoration that the guilt seemed to consume her immediately. Ignoring the throbbing pain behind her eyes and beneath her temples, Bella forced her heavy eyelids open, finding Jacob staring down at her carefully.

"Jacob," she sighed, beginning to draw one of her hands gently up and down his side, trying to comfort him. "You did nothing. In fact, _you_'re doing everything right."

"But then, what is it?"

"It´s just…," Bella began, every sound she made and heard stabbing her nerves like a jackhammer. Before she could stop herself, or gather the self-control to remain the silent shell she had been for a few days now, a sob escaped her throat and was immediately followed by a gush of tears, forcing their way out of Bella's eyes, though she squeezed them shut in an attempt to keep the flood at bay.

"Bells," Jacob whispered worriedly, clutching Bella's shaking form close to his chest, rubbing gentle patterns on her back, his nose nuzzling through her hair, attempting to soothe her, murmuring calming, senseless words into her ear. But the shaking did not cease, nor did the tears stop drenching the pillow and dampening Jacob's chest.

"Sshh."

Jacob slipped one of his hands underneath the cotton of Bella's pyjama top, knowing that the warmth of his skin directly on hers was always more comforting to her than when they were separated by layers of fabric.

"It´s alright, Bells. Sshh… it´s okay. I love you. Sshh."

Bella's hands formed fists against Jacob's chest, but the soft touch of his warm hand against her bare back slowly started to stem the tears leaking down her flushed cheeks, her breathing slowly started to find a new rhythm, air finally began to flow back into her lungs, and her body started to unwind.

"Jake..," she whispered, her voice still shaky from the remaining tears and heavy breathing, raspy and husky.

"I'm here, honey."

"I…love you."

Jacob had difficulty hearing and comprehending Bella's muffled words, but he knew what she had said, having heard it many times before, and when he felt her tear-covered lips gently press against his chest right above his heart, he sighed.

"I'm so tired, Jake."

Bella had lifted her head, looking up at Jacob's face, yet not daring to meet his gaze.

"It´s too much. Noah was already…but now with Leyla…I just feel like I'm going to faint any minute. It´s not just… the lack of sleep. Everything, Jake…"

Jacob's heart clenched at her pain-filled words and when he saw the expression of shame in Bella's eyes, he gently but determinedly took her face into his hands, brushing his thumbs over her cheekbones, smearing the tracks of tears in the process.

"Bells, you have to talk to me about things like this. Don´t silence them to death. You can tell me absolutely everything. I know this is… hard. And unexpected. But we can do this. I want us to. But you can't keep me out, then I can't help. You have to _let_ me help you, Bells," he whispered to her, kissing her forehead when his words trailed off into silence.

"It´s just so much, Jake…"

"I know, honey…," he said gently, kissing her eyelids and he felt Bella relax slowly in his arms, her heartbeat slowing down.

It really was too much. Jacob saw the last five years of their life flying past his inner eye like a roller coaster. Both of their desires for a baby, the yearlong struggle to make that dream come true, the arguments, tear-filled fights, long nights of talking, silence, the miscarriage that almost broke them and resulted in Jacob moving out of the house at one point, and the incredible feeling of relief when they finally held their son in their arms. The exhausting time that followed, complete deprivation of sleep and private time, tears, more arguments, financial struggles, but also more love than both of them had ever known. Every single detail about their son, every tiny little achievement and development. More devotion with every passing day. The unexpected second pregnancy and the birth of their daughter. The merciless and ruthless mingling of pain and pleasure.

Eventually, everything had to come crashing down on Bella. Jacob himself struggled with everything they had gone through during the last years, but he knew that Bella had more struggles with coping than he had. She soaked up everything and took it personally, blaming everything that went wrong on herself. And that, eventually, had to lead to this.

"Sshh"

"Jake?" Bella murmured, pressed against Jacob's side like a small child, holding on to him on more than just a physical level. "Do you think I'm a good mother?"

"Oh, Bells. Listen to me," Jacob said with determination, once again forcing Bella to look into his eyes. "Don´t you _ever_ question that. Don´t even think that. Okay? You are their _Mommy_. That´s all there is to know. Don´t torture yourself like this honey."

Bella gazed at Jacob for a long time after that, just staring into his dark eyes, thinking about his every word. Finally, when sleep threatened to overwhelm her before she had the chance to finish this, she sighed and closed her eyes.

"Okay, " she whispered, leaning her head back against Jacob's chest, listening to the comforting rhythm of his heartbeat.

"I love you, Bells," Jacob breathed into Bella's neck, brushing his lips against her skin and beginning to rock her gently in his arms.

This was not over. Would never be over. It was yet another stone in their path and another bridge to be built. But for now, Jacob allowed sleep to overcome him, drowning out all his worries for a short time. There was always a time to mourn and worry. _Later_.

He heard Bella murmur something inaudible and incomprehensible, but he was already too tired to ask and he had a feeling that she had already fallen sleep in his arms. So he buried his face in her hair, the scent of her shampoo and the faint smell of baby powder filling his nostrils and he slowly drifted off to sleep, holding his Bells as close as he could. Once again, not only physically.

They fell asleep wrapped around each other, holding on to each other, knowing that sleep would not last long. And when their daughter's cries woke them later in the night, Jacob gently pressed Bella back into the pillow after she had started to sit up, kissing both of her temples before crawling out of bed himself to cradle Leyla in his arms and carry her over to the bed.

Bella leaned her head against his shoulder as they watched their daughter nibble lazily at Bella's breast, her short fingers forming a fist around Jacob's thumb once again and his lips brushed against the top of Bella's head as light as a feather.

"I love you, Bells. All of you."

fin.


End file.
